That’s not exactly the kind of headline you’d think people would want to see, right? But that is pretty much what has been going on over here. Basically, I am NOT getting back on track and I am continuing to weight.

No, I am not happy about this. I don’t mean to seem like I am bragging.

I’ve been racking my brain almost constantly to figure out how this happened and how I can make it stop. I mean, technically I know the answer to that second question. But for some reason, I just haven’t been able to do the things I need to do – regular exercise, eating better and less (I have been the overeating, junk food queen these days).

I’m not even sure what to say here anymore, except that I don’t want to let blogging go entirely because that will mean that I have given it all up entirely. At least, that is what it’s amounted to in the past. I could write about the same struggle and crappy feelings, but who wants to read serial whining? I guess it doesn’t really matter in the end – this is my little space in which I can do whatever I want, and if I need a place to vent about this stuff, then I shouldn’t feel bad about it. And it’s useful to the extent that it will help me dump my bad feelings and maybe just jiggle something loose again.

Gain 45 Pounds

So let me tell you: This morning I braved the scale, and it read 327.

I know, right? How did that happen??? Well, for one thing, I gained almost 20 alone in August. Things crept gradually after that, and I kept excusing it or saying things like, “Well, I won’t let myself get over 310,” or whatever, and then I’d get to 311 and up the limit for myself again. I’m really not sure why I kept doing that, and since then, each month I’ve added another 7 or 8 . (I just updated my data page, by the way, so you can see the progression.) Basically, I haven’t weighed this much in over three years!

The question is, will I find myself at the end of December into the 330s, or will I find myself back below 320? Either is entirely possible – it’s kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, right? I much prefer to choose the path to the latter option, of course.

The thing I really hate about gaining this much weight back is that it all seems to land in my stomach. And when you carry weight around your middle, not only is it bad for your health, it’s also very uncomfortable and gets in the way of a lot of things. It makes many activities that much more an effort. I’m finding myself winded again doing relatively mild exertions that had become like nothing. Putting on shoes and boots is getting to be more challenging (though not impossible quite yet). I feel bloated and gross, and a lot of my clothes are not wearable anymore or becoming less comfortable.

This is bad, very very bad indeed. I swore that if I was ever buying new clothes, it would not be because I grew out of the ones I had. This is starting to be a possibility and I just cannot do that to myself.

I don’t really know how I am going to move forward, to be honest. But, I do know that I have to be especially vigilant from here on out, and at least weigh in every single day – one thing I have been avoiding. Like, if I don’t see the number, I don’t have to deal with it, right?

Right. Pfft.